Singing for Forgiveness

I was blessed with a pleasant singing voice and having learned by my father’s side, am well versed in liturgical formula. Armed with this knowledge and God-given talent I occasionally am asked to lead services at my Orthodox synagogue and for some years, just like my father, I supplemented my income by taking a cantorial job for the High Holidays. I have been told my singing inspires some and that I have a decent command of the Hebrew language, a dying attribute I might add.

I always had mixed feelings about leading services. The cantor chants at the beginning of the Mussaf Service on Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur that he is “poor in good attributes” and he beseeches God not to judge the congregation for his faults. Growing up, watching my father cry as he chanted those words I knew that despite his humanity, this Holocaust survivor served as the best representative for his congregation or any for that matter. I on the other hand consider myself all too human, perhaps lacking some of the spiritual integrity expected of one leading such important services.

This is not false modesty, it is a struggle I have within myself. It is not that I think of myself as deficient, though I may be, it is that the Judaism I grew up in – Modern Orthodoxy that has lurched so rightward, outwardly stresses ritual observance, has embraced the modest dress code of the devout and eschews many of the modern world’s innovations. I am guilty apparently of not having caught up with the times. I am uncomfortable standing up there knowing that I do not adhere to this stricter level of observance. I outright question whether God intended for us to be so insulated and shut out from the world around us. Most telling, I embrace technology and the social changes that give equality to women and the freedom for two consenting adults to marry whomever they want regardless of sex or orientation.

I confess that this year I asked my congregation not to include me on the rotation of cantors for the High Holidays (request rejected). While I consider myself observant and I self define as a “good Jew” I am under no illusions that many if not most of Orthodoxy consider the way I practice my Judaism sacrilegious. As a people, Jews have grown since the Holocaust and the founding of Israel and this growth has given rise to a rebirth of Torah observant adherents. The recent Siyum Hashas (completion of the daily Talmudic learning cycle) was celebrated worldwide by hundreds of thousands. It is a testament to this growth. Yet I remain a holdout from a different time. I feel that Judaism needs to stress inclusion, protecting the environment, reaching out to those left behind, welcoming the stranger, feeding the hungry and reaching out to those who are not like us. I find the emphasis on head coverings, outdoing each other on strict kashrut (kosher) observance, the details of the paint on tefillin(phylactery) straps to be plain off-putting. I want to return to a time when all Jews, observant and not, unified for a cause – that is something I can stand up and pray for.